Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
