i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
