1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
