i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
