i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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