If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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