If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
