I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
