how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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