no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
