How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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