just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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