i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
