im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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