dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
