I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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