I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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