I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
