i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Damn victory sex feels great
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