pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
