I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
