I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize