if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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