My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
