I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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