life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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