We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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