I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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