I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
