Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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