"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
