just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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