you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
