I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
