my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
