the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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