I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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