Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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