Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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