I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
