I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
