Apparently you make a good broom.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
