I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
