i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize