Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
