he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
