Pants 0. Shit 1.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
This is the high leading the old right now
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
