She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
