At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
