mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
