What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
