He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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