Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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