All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
