Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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