new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
