My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize