A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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