The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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