areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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